Question of the week! Marital ethics...

[northernwalker]

Couple is married with 3 kids. They have agreed not to have more, and she is on birth control. Wife starts gaining weight, to the point where hubby's guy friends ask if "Melissa" is pregnant. "Jack" says no, but later asks Melissa if she is pregnant. She tells him no, it's the BC pill. A month later, Melissa calls Jack and tells him they have a girl on the way. She oopsed him and lied- she's now 5 months pregnant. The kicker? This is the SECOND time she's done this. Opinions?

Other info- she was supposed to get her tubes tied after Oops 1.0 and did not. I gather he's going to get a vasectomy.


My opinion- I'd have been enraged the first time and this time I'd be seriously thinking of filing for divorce. If my spouse lies to me about something this important, I don't think it's unreasonable to wonder what else I'm being lied to about. Plus, this is twice she's pulled it- anyone wondering about round three?

I've said before that being married means you don't get to make unilateral decisions anymore. You need to take into account the fact that the other person in this marriage has a viewpoint and doesn't have to agree with you just because you want them to. I think she's being incredibly selfish here and breeding resentment.

Comments

[northernwalker]

Women can and do become pregnant in spite of being on hormonal birth control, so I might normally side with the woman in attributing the pregnancy to a legitimate accident or mistake. However, I would imagine that after having 3 kids, she would know how to recognize the signs of pregnancy in herself, and wouldn't have to wait until 5 months along to share the news if her intentions were pure. Plus the fact that she was obviously getting prenatal care all along if she was able to give the gender of the child when she finally got around to sharing her news.

By telephone, yet. After having flat-out lied to him when he asked. After having pulled this once before. I think she's made her position pretty clear on things.

This woman is seriously sketchtastic as a spouse. A vasectomy seems not optional at this point. He really should have gotten one before, if he had already been oopsed once. That's really the one aspect of their shared reproductive lives that he has complete control over

Yeah, I'd have been in the doctor's office ASAP after that stunt if it were me.

I agree completely with what you said about being in a marriage meaning you can't make unilateral decisions, and that you need to be able to trust that the other person will uphold their side of a mutually agreed-upon decision, regardless of whether or not the decision is their first choice of outcomes.

Considering that she's made it quite clear she's willing to ignore his feelings on something this fundamental, I don't think I'd be able to trust that at all. Which is complicated, because there's now four children involved.