Question of the week! Marital ethics...

[northernwalker]

Couple is married with 3 kids. They have agreed not to have more, and she is on birth control. Wife starts gaining weight, to the point where hubby's guy friends ask if "Melissa" is pregnant. "Jack" says no, but later asks Melissa if she is pregnant. She tells him no, it's the BC pill. A month later, Melissa calls Jack and tells him they have a girl on the way. She oopsed him and lied- she's now 5 months pregnant. The kicker? This is the SECOND time she's done this. Opinions?

Other info- she was supposed to get her tubes tied after Oops 1.0 and did not. I gather he's going to get a vasectomy.


My opinion- I'd have been enraged the first time and this time I'd be seriously thinking of filing for divorce. If my spouse lies to me about something this important, I don't think it's unreasonable to wonder what else I'm being lied to about. Plus, this is twice she's pulled it- anyone wondering about round three?

I've said before that being married means you don't get to make unilateral decisions anymore. You need to take into account the fact that the other person in this marriage has a viewpoint and doesn't have to agree with you just because you want them to. I think she's being incredibly selfish here and breeding resentment.

Comments

[bunnyjadwiga.livejournal.com]

I don't hold with "oopsies" but Jeez, if he's the one pushing for the kid limitation, why didn't he get the tie-off himself to begin with? It's a simple outpatient surgery. (And cheaper to get the guy done, as I understand it.)
This sounds suspiciously like a screamingly passive aggressive situation to me, so I can't imagine taking sides one way or another.

[northernwalker]

My understanding is that the wife had agreed to limit as well, and had said she wanted to have her tubes tied after baby 3, but then did not and went on the pill instead (or said she did.) I don't know why he didn't get himself fixed earlier- I sure would have.

And yes, her behavior is PA at best.

[northernwalker]

Plus, they already had three kids. It's not like she's deprived of children. The person who told me about this thinks that Wife really wanted 2 matching sets- two boys, two girls. Which inspired much gagging on my part- it's a kid, not an armchair.

[northernwalker]

She wants to dye a newborn's hair. For the love of webfooted friends in the forest, WHY?

[northernwalker]

Damn, lady, just get a Barbie already...what a twit.

[zhukora1.livejournal.com]

I think the term/idea of "oopsing" someone is way overused and is too often associated with men who don't want to take responsibility for their bedroom activities/decisions, but I suspect in a case like this it may be warranted--

I agree completely with what you said about being in a marriage meaning you can't make unilateral decisions, and that you need to be able to trust that the other person will uphold their side of a mutually agreed-upon decision, regardless of whether or not the decision is their first choice of outcomes.

Women can and do become pregnant in spite of being on hormonal birth control, so I might normally side with the woman in attributing the pregnancy to a legitimate accident or mistake. However, I would imagine that after having 3 kids, she would know how to recognize the signs of pregnancy in herself, and wouldn't have to wait until 5 months along to share the news if her intentions were pure. Plus the fact that she was obviously getting prenatal care all along if she was able to give the gender of the child when she finally got around to sharing her news.

This woman is seriously sketchtastic as a spouse. A vasectomy seems not optional at this point. He really should have gotten one before, if he had already been oopsed once. That's really the one aspect of their shared reproductive lives that he has complete control over.

[northernwalker]

Women can and do become pregnant in spite of being on hormonal birth control, so I might normally side with the woman in attributing the pregnancy to a legitimate accident or mistake. However, I would imagine that after having 3 kids, she would know how to recognize the signs of pregnancy in herself, and wouldn't have to wait until 5 months along to share the news if her intentions were pure. Plus the fact that she was obviously getting prenatal care all along if she was able to give the gender of the child when she finally got around to sharing her news.

By telephone, yet. After having flat-out lied to him when he asked. After having pulled this once before. I think she's made her position pretty clear on things.

This woman is seriously sketchtastic as a spouse. A vasectomy seems not optional at this point. He really should have gotten one before, if he had already been oopsed once. That's really the one aspect of their shared reproductive lives that he has complete control over

Yeah, I'd have been in the doctor's office ASAP after that stunt if it were me.

I agree completely with what you said about being in a marriage meaning you can't make unilateral decisions, and that you need to be able to trust that the other person will uphold their side of a mutually agreed-upon decision, regardless of whether or not the decision is their first choice of outcomes.

Considering that she's made it quite clear she's willing to ignore his feelings on something this fundamental, I don't think I'd be able to trust that at all. Which is complicated, because there's now four children involved.

[starhawk2005.livejournal.com]

She's definitely being selfish, but divorce seems....overmuch. We get divorces waaaay too easily these days. My recommendation would be counseling first, to find out what is going on between them, that led her to lie about such a big thing.

Besides which, if she's pulled this once before, that would've been the point for him to go get a vasectomy. That's what I would've done, in his situation. You can't control another person's behaviour, only your own, so if he wanted assurances, sterilizing himself would be the way to go.

[northernwalker]

Fair enough- starting with counseling would be good. I'd just be so angry I wouldn't want to be in the same room with her. And I've have definitely have been in the doctor's office the first time this happened.

My third hand information is that the wife admitted she wanted 2 each boys and girls. Her husband had financial concerns, plus the two oldest were either in school or about to be when she did this the first time and he was looking forward to getting their lives back. The kids are now 8, 4, 1 and in production.

[starhawk2005.livejournal.com]

I'd just be so angry I wouldn't want to be in the same room with her.

Oh, definitely. But with so many kids in the picture, I'd say psychotherapy first. If THAT failed, then I'd divorce with a clear conscience.

And I've have definitely have been in the doctor's office the first time this happened.

No kidding...

My third hand information is that the wife admitted she wanted 2 each boys and girls. Her husband had financial concerns, plus the two oldest were either in school or about to be when she did this the first time and he was looking forward to getting their lives back. The kids are now 8, 4, 1 and in production.

*shakes head* My brother is going through something similar. His wife wants 3, but they already have 2 and he's ready to call it quits. Plus he tells me all the time how broke he is...